


Salt And Holy Water

by B_Uthoughtwrong



Series: He Told Me I Had A Supernatural Smile [8]
Category: Constantine (2005), Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, But like really low-key Dean Winchester/Reader, Character Insert, Crossover, Gen, I wound up making Constantine look like a total ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-30
Updated: 2017-08-30
Packaged: 2018-12-13 06:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11754345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B_Uthoughtwrong/pseuds/B_Uthoughtwrong
Summary: "So, do you really do the thing?" I pestered the dishelved, black suited man as he lit a cigarette and puffed the smoke out. "Do what thing?" He turned to me with squinted eyes. "Say,'hey, asshole, it's John Constantine,'every time you do an exorsism." Just then a groan was sounded from in front of me, followed by the utterance of my name in pure annoyance,"Did you really just ask him that?"I rolled my eyes, "I'm sorry, I don't recall asking for your opinon, Samuel. Do you, Castiel?"The angel pursed his lips, "No. I believe you were talking to Mister John Constantine."(Or more accurately, When the Winchesters met Constantine)





	Salt And Holy Water

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, I watched Constantine (omg it's also a tv series??? whutttt) and due to my love for Keanu Reeves and the spn babies, also due to the fact I thought the paring was a match made in heaven (or hell ? ) I decided this cross over needed to happen, so here it is.  
> And with regards to the fact there are two different (extemely, holy guac) angel Gabriel-s in the each picture, just imagine whoever with a personality betweent the two, m'kay.  
> AND I CAVED IN AND USED Y/N EVEN THOUGH I F-ING HATE DOING THAT BUT I JUST CANT EVEN AND UGH but i only did it once tho soooooooooo
> 
> Anyway, THIS WAS ONLY LAZILY COPY READ SO I APOLOGIZE FOR THE MISTAKES  
> Thank you for reading ((((((:

This was funny; a funny predicament this was.

But hey, it'll be a hell of a story to tell the grand kids.

Hypothetically speaking if any of us have any, of course.

We had been doing the usual, _supposed_ salt and burn case but things had been complicating themselves to the maximum level of heck and now we found ourselves needing to _shoot a this,_ _bury a that, silver some of those, decapitate something else,_ and as of now, we had to burn what was fundamentally the most ugly stick in the butt I had ever had the displeasure to hunt. Though it wasn't nearly towering over the gigantic Winchester the younger, and though there was only one of it facing us four-- for the record, that would be Sam and his brother Dean, plus the fierce angel Castiel and I, it was fired with enough bad _juju_ to be able to over power us til at least the sun rises, in which case the daylight will do the trick in ending the _sonovabitch,_ but I fear _we_ might be ended way before that happens.

And I was just throwing punches and gnarly kicks, piercing bullets through its thick, gooey interior, you know, being the usual _awesome_ being I normally am, but then the next thing I know, an extremely violent disperse of flame engulfed the creature, ending it and bringing it back into the 10th chasm of the inferno where it _damn_ deserves to be. And due to the fact the flames were so intense, it only took me two seconds of it to realize it wasn't flames from a mere flame thrower. No, it was far too thick for it to be something from a flimsy weapon such as that. It was fire of _dragon's breath_. _The_   _D_ _ragon's Breath,_   the same that could not be owned by just  _any_ somebody, unless that somebody is-- _"Holy mother fucking hot fire!"_ I squeaked, barely but thankfully pulling away before being engorged in the flames myself.

A few moments later, my assumption was confirmed and my armpits had officially become the Niagara falls.

"Hi there." I huffed as I fanned my face, not really expecting to cool off in the least because of it. "I'm hot," I exhaled then inhaled quickly, "and you're _John Constantine."_ I was now fanning my underarms just as the Winchesters caught sight of the man holding a golden weapon in his hand and a cigarette but in between his first two fingers in the other.

"R'you the girl on the phone?"

I nodded, "Yeah," I huffed, "thanks for coming so soon."

He dropped his neatly manufactured killing machine (his cigarette) on the floor and stomped it to ashes. "You had an interesting case." he stated with a shrug. Then entered the always _timely_ angel and examined the stranger in our midst. With two blinks his expression softened and he nodded in the direction of the man, "Ah, mister John Constantine, thank you for coming to assist us."

Then in unison, the brothers two exclaimed " **What?** " in protest to the previous statement. "What do you mean _'assist'?_ Ain't nobody 'round here in need of _any_ assistance." Dean barked as he did hand gestures with his gun still in his grip.

 _"Except us._ " I huffed and turned to smile at the man who raised a brow. I continued by introducing myself, then the trench coat wearing being. "And that's," I pointed, "Castiel."

 _"The angel?"_ Constantine asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Castiel cocked his head and smiled softly, "Yes. You have heard of me?"

The man nodded in return, _"Gabriel."_  He sighed, "Won't shut up." Casitel chuckled softly, understanding that was indeed like his senior angel. The man in a suit proceeded to turn to the two brothers with pursed lips, "You're Winchesters, John's kids." The brothers looked at each other. "I worked with him a while back, told me to quit smoking because the job was already killing us." He nodded in content and smiled an infinitesimal one. "He was a good man, John Winchester. Us Johns worked together good." With that, the man turned about, walking off, and I glanced at Sam and Dean before following the man in a suit.

"What the _fuck."_ Dean whisper-yelled as I rolled my eyes, following the older man who had walked off. "Just roll with it." I whisper-yelled back, knowing that the three other men would simply follow after me like the ducklings they are.

 

Now, we found ourselves in a cafe, sitting on a table, myself seated in between Constantine and Castiel. Opposite us where the two brothers who did not seem at all pleased by the predicament, Dean especially.

I sipped on the straw of my drink and looked between the men on the table, silently allowing all the questions in my head fly through. But my milkshake was not able to satiate my curiosity, so the thought I had been keeping pushed itself out between my teeth. "How long have you been doing this then?" I quirked my eyebrow up as I turned to the unfamiliar man next to me. "A while." he sighed not even looking at me, clearly uninterested in the small chat I was trying to initiate.

"Where did you get your tools?"

He turned to me, _"From my friends."_

Dean chewed violently at the pie he had been eating and Sam sipped loudly on his coffee. Castiel only turned to me with sympathy for he knew how it felt to not be able to have small talk with someone with the hope of lightening the mood.

"So, do you really do the thing?" I pestered the disheveled, black suited man as he lit a cigarette and puffed the smoke out. "Do what thing?" He turned to me with squinted eyes. "Say, _'hey, asshole, it's John Constantine,'_ every time you do an exorcism." Just then a groan was sounded from in front of me, followed by the utterance of my name in pure annoyance, _"Did you really just ask him that?"_ I rolled my eyes, "I'm sorry, I don't recall asking for your opinion, Samuel. Do you, Castiel?"

The angel pursed his lips, "No. I believe you were talking to Mister John Constantine." I stuck out my tongue out at Sam, who nodded his head in disapproval and rolled his eyes.

"Drop the mister. Constantine's fine. I'd say John but that might feel sticky to the boys." 

  


After that statement, there was an awkward silence between us. I fiddled woth my straw and looked upon the faces between me. As I turned from Castiel and Constantine, I realized something that made my chest vibrate in amusement.

Dean looked at me sourly, and Sam voiced out his thougts. "What's so funny?"

That question make me full on giggle. All four men before me looked at my beind as if I grew another head that was threatening world war III. I huffed a chuckle and turned to the Winchesters with a soft smile on my face. "Hmhm, it's just that..." I chuckled, "colors, they really make a difference.

"What?" Sam muttered, just as Constantine shifted beside me to look at me better. I turned to him and chuckled once more. "Colors can make you either look like a... I dunno, an obvious angel," I motioned to Cas, "Or a badass hunter." I turned to Constantine. "I mean, they're wearing the same thing, suit and trench coat and yet..." I laughed again, "they look nothing alike."

"Are you making fun of me?" Castiel pursed his lipd in a pout. I turned to him, mouth agape. "NO! No... _not really_ _?_ No. I'm just... pointing out that colors..." I trailed off.

Castiel turned away from me, eyebrows softly knit and I huffed, resting my cheek on his shoulder, "No, Cas... I swear I just noticed. You're a badass angel, if it makes a difference."

Cas pressed his lips in a line, corners of his lips tugging up in a small smile, and turned to me. "It does. Thank you for the compliment."

"Anytime, _badass angel."_

Dean rolled his eyes at that and Sam chuckled.

The other man kept silent as he puffed out the smoke that came from deep his throat. Upon catching the pollution in my own lungs, I coughed exaggeratedly then grabbed the cigarette from him. "Have you ever heard of manners? John Winchester was right, you need to drop this or we _all_ might die."

Constantine's face hardened and he like lightening, tried to grab the cigarette back from me, but I had already put it out in my empty milkshake glass. He growled, raising his voice, "Look kid, I'm here to help you, not to receive an undying lecture for someone who doesn't know what the _fuck_ they're talking about!" 

"Hey _douche bag!_ Don't you ever fucking talk to _[Y/N]_ like that!" Dean countered with a clenched jaw. Constantine scoffed, continuing to chuckle dryly, "I can talk however _I damn please."_

"Not with _us_ you can't!" Dean barked.

"What the hell are you idjits fighting about this time!?" An annoyed, very familiar voice shouted from not too far, abruptly silencing the shouts that would've lead to a full on brawl.

"He _fucking_ started it." Dean scoffed, rolling his eyes as he did quickly receive a hefty smack on the back of the head. Poor Sammy got one too, _"Gsfjszkx,_ what was that for?" the younger brother protested.

"Keep your damn brother on a leash." The red beard, cap wearing man muttered, then turning to the dark haired man sitting next to me. "John, how've you been?" He asked with a cliché, cheery old man voice. _John_ couldn't suppress his smile and chuckled, _"Just peachy Bobby."_ He stretched his hand to shake hands with him. "Do you have it then?" Constantine added.

"Course I do." Bobby smirked.

"Wait, _you_ called him?" Sam asked Constantine, just as Bobby squeezed himself next to the long haired Winchester, sighing in content as he finally sat down. "Course I did, Bobby's one of _my friends."_  Constantine replied with a smirk, turning to me as he did. I chuckled and nodded in disagreement, _of course he knew Bobby,_ heck, it would be more surprising if he didn't.

Dean rolled his eyes and so did Sam, just a little bit more subtly than his senior.

"Then I believe we should get going then, considering we do have what we came here for now." Castiel finally spoke after a while of his silence. And with that, we went off.

 

Considering Bobby came with his truck and Constantine with, well, a _taxi_ for his car, the four of us were in Dean's Impala, where the said man himself was snickering over how annoyed he was of the man I contacted to help us.

"Dean, literally, just chill out because he's not going to be here long. Plus, we really, **_really_** need his help."

"No we don't." Dean stubbornly replied. "Yeah, we do, Dean." Sam countered making his older brother grip the steering wheel tightly. "They are right. We will have to go on with this case for so much longer if we do not accept the help we have now, which is entirely unnecessary and just plain stupid, if you ask me." Castiel added, making Sam and I purse his our lips in satisfaction over the confirmation the angel gave.

"Yeah well no one asked you." Dean spoke saltily.

"DEAN! Shut the _fuck_ up." I shouted, kicking at the back of his seat. _"Shit!_ Get your crusty shoes off my leather chairs! Fine! We'll _fucking_ work with the moron, but this is a one time thing! And don't ever call for backup on your own again!" the older Winchester spoke frantically.

"I didn't call John on my own, I spoke about it with Cas first." I replied _as-a-matter-of-factly._ ~~~~ ~~~~"Yeah well next time, you talk _to **all** of us_ , ya' hear?"

"Loud and clear." I nodded.

"There's a good baby."

"I'm not your baby."

"Yeah, well, _not yet."_ Dean winked at me by the reflection on the rear view mirror. Sam chuckled and scoffed simultaneously, urging his brother to _"watch the damn road, dammit."_

 

We arrived at this dark, obviously sketchy looking two story building that was for sure abandoned but filled with creatures that just make a hunter go, _"get the salt, for Chuck's sake"._ Dean, Sam, Cas, Bobby, Constantine and I were now gathered round and ready for whatever we were supposed to do here. Bobby gave what looked like holy water to Constantine who had a heavy looking back slung around him. With a huff, Constantine received the flask from Bobby and propped the bag down on the ground proceeding to rummage through it. "Here," Constantine spoke pulling out multiple packs of salt, not surprisingly, and handing it out to us. "We're burning this place down."

"With _salt and holy **water?** "_ I questioned with a quirk of my brow. Constantine turned to me with a smirk, _"Exactly."_ which made Dean straight up laugh at the man.

"Well, _genius,_ in case you flunked the entire first grade, water is not _fucking_ flammable." Winchester the elder scoffed, making his younger brother purse his lips and silently agree. The man who was crouched down winked, "It is if you mix it with _this."_ Constantine then pulled out a large tank from his bag. "One part holy water and 14 parts _gasoline."_ Dean's pleased expression dropped and Sam started chuckling lowly, which then earned him a hit on the back of the head from his older brother.

"So you called Bobby, _Bobby Singer of all people,_ to get you a flask of holy water." I asked with my nose scrunched up making Bobby chuckle softly in reply, "Yeah, he's a bone head."

 

After mixing the liquids up, the rest of us got ton o salting the whole premise and pack by pack of salt was distributed to the corners of the lot. Soon enough, Constantine started pouring his tincture all around as well, causing a sharp smell to assault everyone's noses.

"Angel," Constantine spoke in midst of his pouring actions. Castiel appeared in front of him in a heart beat, not all all startling the man who called for him. "Taking into account you're the most trust worthy out of your gang, I need you," he set his tank of highly flammable liquid down just as I finished pouring out the pack of salt I had and walked over to them, "to go and check if our main man's hosting a tea party inside before we start ours."

I huffed just as the angel immediately knit his brows and spoke against the statement, "Constantine, _a man eater_ would  not host a tea party, and neither should we."

Constantine knit his brows as well and I huffed and rolled my eyes. "Cas, it's a metaphor and _honestly,_ **not** a very good one." I eyed the man oblivious to the angel's _oblivious-ity_. "And what he means _is to check_ and see if there are any hostages or _what-not_ inside the house before we burn the building down."

"I don't-" _"Just check, Cas."_

 

We continued on covering the premise with flammable materials and got around to preparing ourselves in case a monster _was_ in there, ready to snack on some hunters for dinner.

The literal moment Constantine emptied the tank, Castiel popped up next to him making him turn the angel with a jump and a glare. "I have checked the house and there were _no guests to the tea party."_ the being in a trench coat followed up his statement with his best subtle _not-subtle_ wink to the man in a suit. Constantine returned the angel's wink with a grimace and a huff, turning to me from afar seeking for some help _or something._ I simply pursed my lips and nodded in disagreement at him.

"I think I understand your metaphor now." The blue eyed angel smiled in victory.

Constantine's lips twitched in slight amusement, "Good for you, pal."  _Little did he know this was the start of Castiel's infinite tea party metaphors._

 

"It's time to burn down this popsicle stand." Dean muttered as his he aimed his flame thrower to the building. Bobby did the same whereas Constantine felt it was unnecessary for him to use his Dragon's Breath on it. Sam, Castiel, and I looked on as the building slowly caved-in to the ground, but I somehow felt that there was something off about the whole thing and seeing how Constantine was arming himself, I guess he felt the same way too. "Did I mention that these mother fuckers _sometimes_ dig underground for sanctuary?" Constantine gripped on his golden weapon with a face soft from guilt. I threw a frantic look at his and scrambled to arm myself. If that was case then all this burning spectacle was basically for nothing. "NO! _NO_ YOU DID NOT."

"If it digs underground, then burning the place was for what exactly?" Sam groaned out as he grabbed on to a weapon of choice and alerted both Dean and Bobby that something might go down. My thoughts exactly, Sammy.

"Relax, the thing's also bound to it's place of dwelling, so this might not kill it, but it sure as heck will be weakened and vulnerable." Constantine spoke. Castiel grimaced at his admission and Sam raised his brows, the two knowing well what the consequence of that meant but did not speak up. I, on the other hand, scoffed with a dry chuckle, "Oh great, I love going _mano a mano_ with a monster I just _un_ -sheltered and pissed _the fuck_ off."

Just as Constantine turned to me to probably give an annoying reply, blazing debris shot off, causing Dean and Bobby to halt torching the place. A loud roar came after making me huff and tighten my grip on my weapon, which in fact was a gun that could do _nothinnnnnnngggg_ to the monster but distract it and piss it off even more.

Then erupted two slimy creatures, one considerably smaller, prior to the one we had hunted, and one considerably _mothe-fu_ larger. "Papa bear and baby bear looked pissed." Sam spoke softly with a wince.

 

We were now charging at the disgusting things and boy did they put up a fight. Taking into account they were literally dripping with goo, the flames that were directed to them were not at all causing the monsters to perish into ashes. Everyone that was holding guns were shooting at the thing causing it to attack and claw at whoever dared puncture its epidermis. The fearless angel lunged at the smaller one of the two,  for it was not being targeted at with the flames; _Winchester rule_ is if there's two of them and one is bigger, kill the bigger one first. His sword aimed surely to the hellish creature's head but in a blink of an eye the monster disappeared causing the angel to land on his feet confused, and get taken off guard by the same monster who then appeared behind him. The monster clawed at the being's trench coat and then disappeared and reappeared in front of him to attack once more. Thankfully, Castiel got the upper hand and sliced a limb off of the thing.

The sight caused us to turn to each other in caution. Shit, it was magical too? Happy freaking birthday to us. I sprang into action to Castiel's aid. I shot at the thing and in turn it growled and lunged at me instead of the thankfully uninjured angel. I missed its attack by a hair then tried to kick it away just to get my boot all slimy and gross and _very stuck_ to the fiend's exterior. The monster in turn took that to its advantage and tried to grab me so he could very much devour me, but as tough and gross it was, it wasn't very smart and did not think to turn its torso 180° so it could meet me eye to eye. Instead it struggled to turn its entire body three hundred and sixty degrees so we met face to face, which did not do it any good as I was only being tossed around like a rag doll, which was better for me, though more annoying it was, than being eaten I guess. Castiel's eye's narrowed at the sight and with a swift movement, his sword accurately severed the slime and grime of the bottom of my shoe and the gross monster, setting me free from the strain that was building up in my right leg.

"It _fucking_ teleports, the thing." I whimpered as soon as I broke free. "It does, and as Constantine explained to the Winchesters, it seems that the smaller and the younger they are, the more they are lethal." Castiel huffed and we started attacking the monster again. I quickly turned behind and saw Sam throwing salt to the creature they were facing, causing the slime to simmer into nothing the way a snail would bubble in contact with the condiment. And with a violent bellow, the monster crumbled into dust. _"SAM!"_ I shouted for help as I shot my last bullet at the twice as enraged creature we were facing.

Sam and the rest of them turned to us and quickly, we gave way for Constantine as he then directed his flames on the smaller but more annoying monster. Sam threw the pack of salt my way so we could finish the job. _Oh, goodness let me not be so uncoordinated; let me catch the thing being thrown at me for once in my clumsy life._ I didn't, big surprise darling dearest, and had to run forward and grab the thing on the ground un-cooly. _Dammit, why can't I ever have an epic superhero moment?_ After totally killing the moment and collecting the salt that was slightly spilled on dirt, I threw the rest of the sodium at the being roasted monster, causing its slime to reduce and bubble into nothing and it then imploded into ash.

With some huffs and moans, I turned to Constantine, and with not much force, threw my unloaded gun at him. "YOU ARE SUCH A DYSFUNCTIONAL GROUP LEADER."

He groaned with a dry chuckle, "Well at least now you can see why I work alone!"

"Regardless of you working alone or not, you should really tell people what _what we're hunting's **entirely** capable of! _ This whole _damn_ thing could've went south, _dammit."_ I spat out, making everyone violently agree.

"Yeah well, you knew the basics plus I had it under control-" Constantine spoke.

" _Under control?_ You nearly got Castiel and [Y/N] killed, and if you think for a second that--" Dean started but got held back by Bobby and Sam. "Look, we're done here. I helped you out with your problem and now I'm out." Constantine replied flatly, turning about and walking away.

"See you kids on the flip side." He ended, before grabbing a cigarette from his pocket, lighting it and getting into his taxi, driving off to goodness knows where to inflict goodness knows what on the world. "I'll flip your side and fucking--" Dean started again, but Sam cut him off. "He's not worth it. Just let him go."

I scoffed and walked towards Castiel and the others. "Are you okay?" I directed to Castiel first, who simply nodded, then the others who did the same thing.

"Are _you_ okay?" Dean directed to me, making my cheeks burn slightly as I nodded slowly. "I'm fine, Dean."

"Good, or else I would've hunted the bitch down and kicked his ass."

I chuckled at his testosterone and rolled my eyes, _"Wanna go get a milkshake?"_ I grinned ear to ear.

"Ya know it," Dean smirked as he draped an arm atop my shoulders and we all then walked off together.

"What a _douche_ _bag."_ Sam spoke, referring obviously to Constantine as him, Cas, Dean and I got to the Impala. Before driving off in his own separate vehicle, Bobby chuckled and replied, "Takes one to know one, Sammy." and left with a gush of dust and us in laughter.

_"Hey!"_


End file.
